


a new year

by danvrssawyr



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, this shit is emo im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 04:01:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17237018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danvrssawyr/pseuds/danvrssawyr
Summary: alex and maggie don't want to spend a new year without each other. set the new year's after the breakup, not this year.





	a new year

**Author's Note:**

> written on december 31, 2017

A year ago Alex was with Maggie and they had their first New Year’s kiss - Alex’s first New Year’s kiss. Tonight Alex sits in the corner of Kara’s apartment, ignoring the party going on in front of her, looking out the window at the city lights, bright with festivities welcoming the new year. 

Normally Alex would be downing her liquor, but tonight she sips the glass of scotch she’s had in her hand all night. She doesn’t want midnight to come. She wants to go home and cry herself to sleep, and she doesn’t want a whole new year to start. A year she’ll have to spend without Maggie. 

She kicks herself again for letting the love of her life go. She thinks about Maggie every single day, multiple times a day. She thinks almost exclusively about Maggie. Kara said it would get better, but it’s only gotten worse. Alex thinks about calling or texting, but she never does. Maggie probably hates her now. Alex broke her heart, even though at the end they were still whispering “I love you” into each other’s lips. Alex broke her own heart, too. 

Every night she thinks about running to Maggie to say she takes it all back — everything she said she wanted — because she will never be happy if Maggie isn’t by her side. She thinks about that tonight, too. 

Maggie is in her apartment by herself. New Year’s Eve, alone. She was invited to a party another detective at the precinct was throwing, but Maggie couldn’t bring herself to go. She couldn’t watch everyone be excited for a new year, because she was so far from that. Because all she can think about is last New Year’s with Alex, and how happy they were, and how they kissed at midnight and how they saw a future in each other’s eyes. 

Maggie sits and sips her second glass of scotch. She isn’t trying to get wasted; that’s never helpful. She just wanted to feel warm, somehow, sitting on her couch and looking at the lights of the city in silence. She doesn’t have the TV or music on. She should hate Alex for making her feel this way, she thinks, but she doesn’t. She doesn’t, she doesn’t, she doesn’t. She loves her and just wants to be in Alex’s arms again, but she doesn’t even know what she would say if she saw her again. She knows Alex loves her too, and that’s what makes it hurt even more. 

It’s 30 minutes to midnight and Alex hasn’t moved. She knows Kara has been glancing at her sadly every so often, but Alex has been ignoring it, because she doesn’t really deserve pity at this point. She made a choice. She did it to herself. 

Alex sighs and looks down at the streets and the way the colors of the lights change at every intersection. ‘Maggie’s apartment is only 10 minutes away,’ is a thought that crosses Alex’s mind. Where ever she is, Alex thinks about where Maggie might be; how far away she is from Maggie at any given moment.

Alex gets up from the armchair she’d been sitting in and quietly goes to the bathroom attached to Kara’s room. She needs to get some quiet, but she also needs to use it, and Kara’s would at least give her a few walls between herself and the party. 

As Alex washes her hands, she looks in the mirror. It’s hard to look herself in the eyes these days. But she looks, and she suddenly gets the urge to move her feet and get away from her reflection and from the noise and from the party. 

Alex exits the bathroom and makes a beeline to her coat and then to the door as quietly as she can. As she softly pulls the door shut, she sees Kara look at her through the crack between the frame and where the door clicks into place. Alex kind of feels bad, but she knows that Kara knows she wasn’t exactly excited for tonight. 

Inside, Kara looks at the door for a couple more seconds, not bothering to use her x-ray vision because she already hears Alex’s feet going down the stairwell. 

Alex opens the door and steps outside her sister’s apartment building, feeling the cold air hit her face. It stings, but it invigorates her. She puts her hands in her coat pockets and starts walking east towards her own apartment, but she doesn’t really want to go home. She makes a left at the intersection and heads in the direction of the park. 

Alex arrives at the park and it’s quiet there, with only faint sounds of the various parties going on throughout the city reaching where Alex stands. She sits down on a bench. It’s cold. 

Alex looks up at the stars and remembers the time she took Maggie out here on a summer night and showed her all her favorite constellations. Maggie had pointed out the ones she knew, and pointed at random shapes in the sky, asking, “What about that one?” just to make Alex laugh and explain more about the stars, knowing well enough that she wasn’t pointing at a real constellation. When Maggie pointed to another one and Alex said that it wasn’t a constellation either, Maggie said, “Well, it can be our constellation,” and they giggled and kissed and Alex knew she couldn’t be more in love with this woman. 

Alex wipes her eyes and blinks the memory away. She feels lost, and it’s 12 minutes to midnight. Everything makes her think about Maggie. Everything. 

She looks around at the darkened park for a few seconds and stands up from the bench. She pauses. Alex huffs out a warm breath and leaves the park and starts walking, quickly, not in the direction of her own apartment, but of Maggie’s. It’s 10 minutes to midnight, and she runs. 

She runs down the street and runs up the stairs instead of taking the elevator and runs down the hallway. She stops in front of Maggie’s door and catches her breath. She looks at her watch; 1 minute. 

She resolves herself and knocks on Maggie’s door. Nothing. She looks at her watch again and knocks more frantically, whispering “come on, come on!” under her breath. She’s still knocking when Maggie comes to the door. 

Maggie did not expect Alex to be on the other side of the door, knocking like that. As much as she imagined Alex coming back to her, she didn’t think it would be tonight. She loses her breath and catches it again. 

As Maggie starts saying her name, Alex looks at her watch and whispers, “Three, two,” looks at Maggie, grabs at her face, and kisses her as hard as she can. 

It’s midnight and Alex can’t stop kissing Maggie. She kisses her over and over, pushing into the apartment and kicking the door closed. She can’t stop. 

Maggie kisses her back, just as hard, just as desperate. 

They’re alone together in a bubble where nothing else, no one else exists. They can both taste scotch in their kisses but neither if them can tell if it’s just on their own tongue or on the other’s. Neither of them are drunk.

In this space, in this moment, time stops. They kiss as the first few minutes of the new year tick away outside. 

Their kisses slow down and become less frantic, but then Maggie opens her mouth and pushes deeper and Alex puts her fingers in Maggie’s hair. Alex feels like her legs might give out.

They had both thought about this happening in a thousand different ways, but those fantasies couldn’t compare to the real thing. The very real thing happening right now. 

Neither of them can get close enough; they kiss as if they’re trying to crawl inside each other’s bodies. Alex wants to live inside Maggie. She misses her warmth and her softness and the way her skin smells. She misses her lips and her tongue and her fingers that are gently grasping the back of her neck. She misses her breath and her brown eyes that are somehow both piercing and soft. 

Maggie licks into Alex’s mouth and tastes the familiarity of her tongue. She tastes like love; she also tastes like pain, Maggie thinks.

Maggie slowly, so slowly, begins pulling her lips away from Alex’s, sliding her hands up to cup Alex’s face, but keeping their bodies pressed together. Alex drags her hands up Maggie’s arms and cradles her head in her hands, fingers in her soft hair, thumbs tracing her jaw. She gently drops her head so that their foreheads touch. 

They don’t open their eyes, they don’t say anything. They hold each other and breathe each other in, just like the first time they slept together, like the first time they said “I love you,” like the last time they were together. 

Silent tears stream down both their cheeks, and then Maggie begins to sob. She drops her head to Alex’s shoulder and Alex pulls her in, one hand around Maggie’s shoulders and the other on the back of her head, cradling her, holding her, trying to make the pain go away. 

Maggie’s knees buckle and they go down together. They on the floor, on their knees, and they’re grasping each other so tight. 

Alex drops her lips to the top of Maggie’s head and closes her eyes, breathing in the smell of Maggie’s hair. The sound of Maggie’s sobs and the feeling of Maggie’s body shaking against hers makes more tears fall from Alex’s eyes. They hold each other tighter and tighter with each passing second. 

Maggie stops shaking, but they stay there on the floor, holding each other, in the middle of Maggie’s apartment. 

A few minutes pass before Alex whispers, tears in her voice, “I’m sorry.”

Maggie says nothing, but clenches her jaw and tries to keep her breathing steady and burrows her face deeper into the crook of Alex’s neck. She doesn’t know if she forgives Alex yet. She wants to. She wants so badly to forgive her and go back to how they were. 

She knows she can’t. 

Maggie keeps her eyes shut and focuses on the rise and fall of Alex’s chest, the feeling of Alex’s arms holding her, solid and gentle all at once. 

“I’m so sorry, Maggie.” Alex can’t stop tears from streaming down her cheeks. 

She buries her fingers in Maggie’s soft, dark hair. Alex used to run her fingers through Maggie’s hair and feel comfort. The night they got together — when Maggie brought over pizza and beer and bold words — Alex ran her fingers through Maggie’s hair and kissed her properly, how she’d dreamt, and she thought she would love to do just that for the rest of her life. 

In the present, Maggie slips out from Alex’s grasp, but she doesn’t look at her. Instead, Maggie drops her face into her hands and cries more. She doesn’t know why she’s crying so much. She just can’t stop. She wants to kick Alex out of her apartment, but she wants Alex to stay. She wants to punch her and kiss her and hold her and yell at her and love her all at once. She can’t speak, so she cries.

Alex sits for a second, on the floor, on her knees, across from the love of her life, across from Maggie, who looks so small and so broken, and she knows it’s all her fault. 

She hesitates, but she moves closer to Maggie. Alex gently rests her forehead against Maggie’s, softly touches her wrists attached to the hands that are still hiding a tear stained face. Maggie doesn’t move her hands from her face; Alex doesn’t expect her to. 

The sounds from the streets are muffled by the windows and walls of the silent apartment, seeping in just enough for the contrast between the people partying outside and the women on floor to be stark and clear.

“Maggie, I was wrong,” Alex says softly, breaking that almost-silence.

“I made a mistake letting you go. Making you go,” she says. “I thought I couldn’t be happy without kids, but I was wrong. I can’t be happy without you. You, Maggie. You’re all I think about, day and night. It was supposed to get easier with time, but it just got—harder.”

A sob sticks in her throat at the last word.

She continues, “I’d never been in love, before you. I knew what I felt for you was deep and overwhelming, and I thought, ‘That’s it. That’s love.’ And I thought—“ she swallows another sob. “I thought we could both end up finding that in other people. Other people who shared each of our ideals for the future. But I was so fucking wrong.

What we had was so much more than love, Maggie. It wasn’t anything I could ever replicate or even come close to with someone else. And I didn’t know that our love was different because I’d never experienced anything different. But I know now. You knew.”

Maggie’s hands fall away from her face and into Alex’s soft grasp. 

“You knew,” Alex repeats. Maggie swallows. 

“But I did more than not recognize it, more than break it off. I made you feel like you weren’t enough for me. I did what I was pissed at everyone in your life for doing — all those people who made you feel insignificant — and I made you feel that again. I’m so fucking sorry.” She cries even more. 

“I don’t expect you to forgive me for that,” she continues, “but I want you to know that all I can see in my future is you. Just you. With me. You’re more than enough, Maggie. You’re all I need. All I’ll ever need. You are my everything. I love you so much. So much. My bones ache with my love for you. I want you to know I never stopped loving you. I never want to stop loving you, Maggie. If you’ll let me.”

They look into each other’s eyes, openly crying. Maggie hasn’t said anything yet. 

Maggie makes a move that surprises Alex. She crawls into Alex’s lap and holds her tight again.

They’re cheek to cheek, and Maggie whispers, “You hurt me so bad.”

“I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry,” Alex replies, rocking Maggie back and forth, wanting to do anything to soothe her pain. 

“I could never stop loving you, Alex. Never,” Maggie says. She angles her head down a little and presses a soft, soft kiss to the edge of Alex’s jaw. 

She grasps at the short hair at the base of Alex’s neck, and buries her face into the side of it again. Maggie wants so badly just to melt into Alex’s body. 

Alex continues rocking Maggie’s small frame and digs her fingers back into Maggie’s hair. 

“I want you,” Alex says softly.

“I want you, too.”

“I love you.”

Maggie moves so that her face is in front of Alex’s again. With her arms slung around Alex’s neck, Maggie slowly leans forward to press a soft, barely-there kiss to her lips. She stays there for a moment and says, “I love you,” against Alex’s lips. 

After a moment, Maggie reluctantly begins detangling herself from Alex. She doesn’t want to be on the floor anymore. She pulls Alex up by the hand and leads her to her bedroom. 

“Maggie—“ Alex begins as they reach Maggie’s bed. 

“Can you just lay here with me?” Maggie asks, her voice small.

“Of course. I’ll do anything you need,” Alex replies, desperate to do anything to have her life with Maggie back. 

They take off their shoes and Maggie pulls Alex onto her bed. They lay down on their sides, facing each other. Maggie wraps her arms around Alex’s middle, needing to feel her warm, soft, solid form. Alex settles her hands in Maggie’s hair again, thumbs tracing the edges of her face. 

“I wanna make this right, Mags. I did a bad, bad thing, and I need you to tell me how I can make it right.”

Alex searches Maggie’s deep, honest, forgiving eyes for answers. 

“You didn’t do anything bad, Alex. It hurt me, but there was no bad intention behind it.” 

“I’ll make it right,” Alex says. She knows it’s not as simple as right and wrong, but she wants Maggie to know she’s committed. “Whatever it takes. Whatever you need.”

Maggie gives a micro-nod of understanding, never looking away from Alex’s eyes. Drowning in Alex’s eyes, scared and hopeful and full of love.

“Are we gonna be okay?” Alex asks, feeling small herself. 

Maggie gives a small, tearful smile, “Yeah. We’ll be okay.”

“I love you, Maggie Sawyer.”

“I love you, Alex Danvers.”

“Forever,” Alex adds. 

“Yeah, forever.”


End file.
